Tag Archives: Dwight Howard

6 Time Champion – XVI

“Put the lady down.” came the voice of the days third arrival.

The warrior turned to face his new adversary and was struck in the face by a squishy orange sphere.

Dave looked up and in the circle stood an old man, his hair grey, his face wrinkled, his hover scooter cherry red. The warrior charged at the old man and was vaporized by a magenta blast from the tall dudes eyes.

“Had the lasers put in last year.” the big guy smiled.

“Thank you. Oh, thank goodness you arrived. You saved my life.” said Carol.

“Not a problem maim.” said the giant, each of his shoulders the size of a baby pumpkin.

“Who are you?” asked Dave, finally catching his breath.

“Who am I? Son, I’m six time NBA Champion Dwight Howard.”

Dwight Howard – XVII

“Dwight Howard?!” said Dave, confused beyond belief.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you Dwight.” said Carol.

“You’re not Dwight Howard. Dwight Howard doesn’t have lasers shooting out of his eyes and he’s certainly never won six NBA titles.” Dave said.

“Check the rings.”

Dwight held out his hand and all six of his sparkling diamond encrusted rings were there on all six of the fingers of his right hand.

“Dwight Howard doesn’t have six fingers on his right hand.” shouted Dave.

“What can I say? I had the rings, I love The Princess Bride, and body mod was hella cheap in 2046.”

“Wow. It’s 2046.” said Greg, returning from wherever he’d slipped away to during the warriors attack.

“No man. It’s 2056, but I had those mods done when they were cheaper. These freaking lasers cost me a fortune.”

“What the heck is happening?” asked Dave.

“They’ll be plenty of time for that later Dave. Right now, let’s go get a handle on Miller Mills before he hurts someone.” said Dwight Howard, then he spurred his hoover scooter like it was a horse and shot off into the endless woods.

No More Miller Time – XVIII

“Well that’s a shame. This guy used to be a big deal in his day.” said old Dwight Howard.

“He looks pretty badly worked over.” added Greg.

“We should probably bury him. You know, all the time I’ve been here this is the only person I recall having died.” said Carol.

Dave stared at the man on the ground, but was having trouble caring about that while a version of Dwight Howard that must be something like 70 rode around on a hoover scooter.

“This has got to be a dream.” muttered Dave.

“What?” said the new arrival.

“Oh my, so many new faces. What an incredible strange day it’s been.” said Carol.

“Where did you come from?” asked Greg.

“Yeah, we’re no where near the red circle.” added Dave.

Dwight swung his hoover scooter around beside the new guy and clapped a huge hand on his shoulder.

“You guys honestly telling me you don’t know who this is?” asked old Dwight.

“It’s OK Dwight. Things have gotten crazy. I’d understand if they’re not following this nonsense at the moment.” said TheLongTalk.

Fireside Chat – XIX

As they all gathered around the fire pit they turned, each on their own, to pudgy pale dude.

“So really this is all something I’m doing to kill time.” said the pig nosed weirdo.

“What? To kill time? You did this to all of us to kill time?” said Dave.

“I’ve been here since freaking 1998. All because you needed to kill time.” snarled Jennifer.

“Actually Jennifer, you’ve been here since 1998 because that date sticks out in my head. I put you here from that time cause it was somewhat meaningful to me.” said the bald man.

“Somewhat? So now your hedging even in fictional worlds. Make up your mind man.” said old Dwight.

The man that’d started all of this took a deep breath.

“All right. No more hedging. You’re all here, all of you. Because I felt like killing time. That’s why you’re here and to be honest the only reason that warrior guy and Miller and you Dwight even showed up is because your story… Dave… was going no where fast.”

Dave sat up startled.

“My story?” he asked.

“Yeah, who says this is Dave’s story. I’ve been here way longer then Dave.” added Carol.

“Trust me Carol this is Dave’s story.” said TheLongTalk.

“And it’s gonna be over real soon. I think I’ll probably call it at 20.”

“What does that mean?” asked Jennifer.

“Well we’ll all have to wait and see.” said old Dwight Howard.

Another Ending – XX

“Good thing I didn’t go to thirty, then the Post would’ve said XXX and people would’ve expected some naked.” said TheLongTalk.

“What the heck are you freaking talking about you idiot?” asked Dave.

“It’s all right up there in the title, oh never mind. It’s not important.” said TheLongTalk.

At that Dwight Howard zipped up on his hoover scooter with Jennifer riding along.

“And here she is.” said TheLongTalk.

“You gonna be OK for the rest of the day boss?” asked Dwight.

“Yeah, not too much time left to kill, but thanks for asking.”

“Hey, I only asked cause you asked me to ask.” said Dwight.

“Now you’re getting unnecessarily Meta. Knock it off.” said TheLongTalk.

Dave just stood there, he had no idea what was happening, but then… how could he?

“I have no idea what’s happening.” said Dave.

“I’ve learned to just roll with it.” replied Greg.

“It helps to sing that – I get knocked down, but I get up again – song in your head. Keeps you from focusing too much on the particulars.” added Carol.

With a wave goodbye to all these somewhat lame and cardboard characters TheLongTalk stepped up on to Dwight’s hoover scooter.

“You don’t mind do you?” asked TheLongTalk.

“Would it matter if I did?” replied Dwight with a sly smile.

“Come along Jennifer.”

Jennifer stood up straighter, slipping out of her near to permanent slacker slouch.

“What?” she asked.

“You’re coming with me.” said TheLongTalk.

“Why?’ asked Jennifer.

“Cause, although you’re pretty sullen and moody, you’re easily the hottest woman in this story.” said TheLongTalk.

“Wow.” Jennifer blushed. “You’re too much.”

“Damn straight I am, now getty up.”

And with a kick to the side of old Dwight Howard’s cherry red hoover scooter, TheLongTalk rode off into the sunset with the hottest girl he’d written into this bat crap crazy nonsense.

– The End

The Dwightmare saga starts again

Here we go again. Every time this happens he says ,”ah no, it wont happen like that again. I’ll be straight up, and i’ll make a good decision…” bla bla bla. It happens every time Dwight Howards gets a chance to look at his options. Why can’t he just make a decision. It’s truly not that hard.

Scenario number 1: Houston has space to bring you in and work you in the offense, but does not have the salary cap space to give you a max contract. Are you looking for money or are you looking for rings? If you’re looking for money don’t come here. If you’re looking to compete for rings for a few years, it’s worth a look. You’ll fit into the offense and alleviate some of the pain from James Harden & company. That being said, are you willing to live in the footsteps and shadows of The Dream?

Scenario number 2: Golden State Warriors can offer you a nice contract, and young, talented nucleus that already competed for the western conference crown without you. Add your talented big man to the roster and all of the sudden they can get over the hump and into the finals. Steph Curry is without a doubt a premier guard. He is looking to be a perennial all star as well. With his ability to shoot from anywhere (literally, anywhere) on the court  it will free up space to let you work the post game and teams will not be able to double team both of you. This is a great destination because you get money, you get very talented all stars around you, and you have nobody’s shadow to live in, and you’re making your own way. In Houston you’re in The Dream’s shadows, in LA you’re doing EXACTLY what Shaq did (leaving Orlando for LA, and your nickname isn’t helping matters at all).You’re not living up to Shaq and you’re not as humble as Hakeem. This is your best shot to be your own man.

Scenario number 3: You go to LA, you get a max contract. You fight and bicker with Kobe because you don’t take anything seriously, ever. Kobe will push you to be the best, and quite possibly will help you elevate your game to a whole new level and show you how to be a champion. After all his Laker squad did destroy you in the NBA Finals and won the championship on your home court. That being said, are you willing to do what Kobe says when Kobe says it? Do you truly want to live in the limelight of the prime time entertainment that guys like Magic, Kareem, Shaq, Kobe, Big Shot Bob all brought to the table? Do you want to be compared to Shaq for your entire career? Can you handle the pressure? I doubt it.

If Dwight Howard truly wants money, a chance to win, a chance to create a name for himself and to be his own man, he truly needs to go to Golden State Warriors and bring a championship home to the bay area. Mark Jackson is a great coach, and the team is loaded with young talent, Dwight will fit in perfectly. Go there big man and make a name for yourself. Go anywhere else and you’ll always be under a microscope to someone else. Just ask LeBron how fun that is and he isn’t even wearing 23 anymore or playing in Chicago.

NBA 2013 FA

Perhaps the most interesting part of sports is the free agency period. At the moment the 2013 NBA FA period is merely 19 hours deep, and with plenty of time to go we should see some interesting moves.

Notable offers so far is New Orleans Pelicans offering Tyreke Evans $40-$44 million as a bench player. I personally think New Orleans is on the brink of competing for a western conference championship. Newly acquired Jrue Holiday, Eric Gordon (assuming Evans comes to Nola) Evans, Ryan Anderson, Anthony Davis, Robin Lopez, Lou Amundson and Austin Rivers gives a team a lot of hope, range, and athleticism.

Perhaps the worst part of sports is the free agency period. The reason I suggest it is the worst and the most interesting is because of players like Dwight Howard who often present us with “dwightmares” from hell. Here is a child who will kick and scream until he gets his way, and when he does, he’ll kick and scream and say this isn’t what I thought it was I want something else. Here is to hoping that he retires and goes to play in another country.

A move that needs to be made is Josh Smith to the Lakers. Start Steve Nash at the point, Kobe at the two, Smith at the 3, Earl Clark at 4 and Pau at the 5. You now have another scoring presence, extremely athletic, slightly lazy on defense, but this is Mike D’antoni basketball, no defense required  so he’ll fit right in.

At the very least if the Lakers don’t forget Howard immediately, they should try to get Iggy to leave Denver and come play small forward with LA. He could fit in, and add a lot of explosive offensive skills that the team currently lacks. He is extremely athletic, and can play both ends of the floor fairly well. As previously noted he could save his energy on the defensive end and focus on his offensive skills for the D’antoni system. Either way LA needs to land an athletic SF and move on from the dwightmare.

Realistically speaking, most contenders rosters will probably remain the same with minimal changes. That being said, teams that are trying to get into the hunt for the NBA Finals should make the FA period fairly interesting.

Howard in LA LA Land

If Nash in a Lakers uniform was a surprise, Howard in LA LA Land was anything but.  It seemed, for months really, that this was the only way things could end.  It does however surprise TheLongTalk that Bynum ended up in Philly.  And good for Philly – pulling the trigger on that deal, it could go very badly for them (Anyone remember Elton Brand) or  it could the rebirth of a franchise that’s only a couple of hours away from New York City and hasn’t had a ton of success since AI left. (Who really didn’t bring them all that much success himself)