Mills – XIII

“It’s alright, you don’t need to worry. We won’t hurt you.” said Dave.

“You all don’t know nothing.” said the man standing in the circle.

He was holding his side, his pants and shirt stained with dark pools of deep red.

“Are you hurt?” asked Greg.

“I’m Miller freaking Mills is what I am!” shouted the huge man.

Charge – XIV

The man who called himself Mills rushed out of the circle of red stones.

He pushed Greg and knocked Carol to the ground.

“Hey, relax man. It can be disorienting, I know. I just went through it, whatever it is? But believe me you’ll get there.” Dave said.

“Kiss my @$$ fairy!” Shouted Miller as he kicked Dave full force in the stomach.

Miller ran off into the forest.

“This guys gonna be trouble.” groaned Greg.

Carol helped Dave, shakily, to his feet.

“I don’t know if we’re ready for his kind of trouble.” said Carol.

“CHARGE!” came the battle cry from behind them.

 

Warrior – XV

The warrior burst from the red stone circle at a full run. Then stopped and turned quickly about, sweeping the scene, taking in his strange surroundings.

“What trickery?” he snarled.

“Hey, two arrivals in one day.” said Carol.

In an instant the warrior was on her, he seized the woman by her frail neck and hoisted her off her feet.

“What have you done to me witch?” he roared.

“What the hell dude! Let go of her.” Dave threw himself at the hulk of a man.

“Get back.”

The warrior kicked the man and sent him tumbling to the dirt.

Greg slowly backed away, doing his best to disappear into the woods.

Carol gulped for air, her face turning a deep shade of unhealthy purple.

Dave held his stomach, spat up a mouth full of blood, and wept.

6 Time Champion – XVI

“Put the lady down.” came the voice of the days third arrival.

The warrior turned to face his new adversary and was struck in the face by a squishy orange sphere.

Dave looked up and in the circle stood an old man, his hair grey, his face wrinkled, his hover scooter cherry red. The warrior charged at the old man and was vaporized by a magenta blast from the tall dudes eyes.

“Had the lasers put in last year.” the big guy smiled.

“Thank you. Oh, thank goodness you arrived. You saved my life.” said Carol.

“Not a problem maim.” said the giant, each of his shoulders the size of a baby pumpkin.

“Who are you?” asked Dave, finally catching his breath.

“Who am I? Son, I’m six time NBA Champion Dwight Howard.”

Dwight Howard – XVII

“Dwight Howard?!” said Dave, confused beyond belief.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you Dwight.” said Carol.

“You’re not Dwight Howard. Dwight Howard doesn’t have lasers shooting out of his eyes and he’s certainly never won six NBA titles.” Dave said.

“Check the rings.”

Dwight held out his hand and all six of his sparkling diamond encrusted rings were there on all six of the fingers of his right hand.

“Dwight Howard doesn’t have six fingers on his right hand.” shouted Dave.

“What can I say? I had the rings, I love The Princess Bride, and body mod was hella cheap in 2046.”

“Wow. It’s 2046.” said Greg, returning from wherever he’d slipped away to during the warriors attack.

“No man. It’s 2056, but I had those mods done when they were cheaper. These freaking lasers cost me a fortune.”

“What the heck is happening?” asked Dave.

“They’ll be plenty of time for that later Dave. Right now, let’s go get a handle on Miller Mills before he hurts someone.” said Dwight Howard, then he spurred his hoover scooter like it was a horse and shot off into the endless woods.

No More Miller Time – XVIII

“Well that’s a shame. This guy used to be a big deal in his day.” said old Dwight Howard.

“He looks pretty badly worked over.” added Greg.

“We should probably bury him. You know, all the time I’ve been here this is the only person I recall having died.” said Carol.

Dave stared at the man on the ground, but was having trouble caring about that while a version of Dwight Howard that must be something like 70 rode around on a hoover scooter.

“This has got to be a dream.” muttered Dave.

“What?” said the new arrival.

“Oh my, so many new faces. What an incredible strange day it’s been.” said Carol.

“Where did you come from?” asked Greg.

“Yeah, we’re no where near the red circle.” added Dave.

Dwight swung his hoover scooter around beside the new guy and clapped a huge hand on his shoulder.

“You guys honestly telling me you don’t know who this is?” asked old Dwight.

“It’s OK Dwight. Things have gotten crazy. I’d understand if they’re not following this nonsense at the moment.” said TheLongTalk.

Fireside Chat – XIX

As they all gathered around the fire pit they turned, each on their own, to pudgy pale dude.

“So really this is all something I’m doing to kill time.” said the pig nosed weirdo.

“What? To kill time? You did this to all of us to kill time?” said Dave.

“I’ve been here since freaking 1998. All because you needed to kill time.” snarled Jennifer.

“Actually Jennifer, you’ve been here since 1998 because that date sticks out in my head. I put you here from that time cause it was somewhat meaningful to me.” said the bald man.

“Somewhat? So now your hedging even in fictional worlds. Make up your mind man.” said old Dwight.

The man that’d started all of this took a deep breath.

“All right. No more hedging. You’re all here, all of you. Because I felt like killing time. That’s why you’re here and to be honest the only reason that warrior guy and Miller and you Dwight even showed up is because your story… Dave… was going no where fast.”

Dave sat up startled.

“My story?” he asked.

“Yeah, who says this is Dave’s story. I’ve been here way longer then Dave.” added Carol.

“Trust me Carol this is Dave’s story.” said TheLongTalk.

“And it’s gonna be over real soon. I think I’ll probably call it at 20.”

“What does that mean?” asked Jennifer.

“Well we’ll all have to wait and see.” said old Dwight Howard.

Another Ending – XX

“Good thing I didn’t go to thirty, then the Post would’ve said XXX and people would’ve expected some naked.” said TheLongTalk.

“What the heck are you freaking talking about you idiot?” asked Dave.

“It’s all right up there in the title, oh never mind. It’s not important.” said TheLongTalk.

At that Dwight Howard zipped up on his hoover scooter with Jennifer riding along.

“And here she is.” said TheLongTalk.

“You gonna be OK for the rest of the day boss?” asked Dwight.

“Yeah, not too much time left to kill, but thanks for asking.”

“Hey, I only asked cause you asked me to ask.” said Dwight.

“Now you’re getting unnecessarily Meta. Knock it off.” said TheLongTalk.

Dave just stood there, he had no idea what was happening, but then… how could he?

“I have no idea what’s happening.” said Dave.

“I’ve learned to just roll with it.” replied Greg.

“It helps to sing that – I get knocked down, but I get up again – song in your head. Keeps you from focusing too much on the particulars.” added Carol.

With a wave goodbye to all these somewhat lame and cardboard characters TheLongTalk stepped up on to Dwight’s hoover scooter.

“You don’t mind do you?” asked TheLongTalk.

“Would it matter if I did?” replied Dwight with a sly smile.

“Come along Jennifer.”

Jennifer stood up straighter, slipping out of her near to permanent slacker slouch.

“What?” she asked.

“You’re coming with me.” said TheLongTalk.

“Why?’ asked Jennifer.

“Cause, although you’re pretty sullen and moody, you’re easily the hottest woman in this story.” said TheLongTalk.

“Wow.” Jennifer blushed. “You’re too much.”

“Damn straight I am, now getty up.”

And with a kick to the side of old Dwight Howard’s cherry red hoover scooter, TheLongTalk rode off into the sunset with the hottest girl he’d written into this bat crap crazy nonsense.

– The End