Carguments Cast Soup

Take these 6 performers, mix-n-match, add an X Factor ingredient and create your own Hollywood production.

The Sizzle: Jessica Chastain

The Steak: Ed Norton

The Fresh: Donald Glover

The Filler: Maya Rudolph

The Age: Ron Perlman

The Beauty: Ellen Page


So those are the ingredients, what’s the recipe? Gauntlet thrown down…

Probably True, Very Funny

Have you heard this back and forth with Tiger Woods and Golf Digest’s Dan Jenkins?  If not, Jenkins wrote a fake interview with Tiger Woods, go read it now.  You can find it here –

I know, hilarious isn’t it?  Number12 was loving every minute of reading that.  But then wait, Tiger Woods, the real one not the fake one with the interview actually responded.  The Title of the piece for this response – “Not True, Not Funny.”  Which is why I titled this post “Probably True, Very Funny.”  Because well, if Tiger were being honest and himself, I think that is about how the interview would’ve went.  That or he would’ve flipped over the diner table and tried to strangle Jenkins to death.  Either way, here is the response Tiger wrote –

I think I might’ve enjoyed Tiger’s response even more.  Could he sound any more like a crybaby?  Like a child?  Like the douchebag, SOB that he is?  No he couldn’t. until you read the letter his representatives wrote t0 Golf Digest, you can read that here –

I love what Tiger said Golf Digest’s response was.  He said “Digest responded by saying it was Dan’s humor, and they didn’t think it was unfair or they wouldn’t have run it.”

I couldn’t agree more and Golf Digest just got a new fan.  Well played Golf Digest, well played.

30 Years of Dubious Comparisons

The General Idea: To look back at the Finals MVP’s of the past 30 NBA Championship Teams and try to calculate, using highly questionable tactics, their career success rates.

The Specifics:
• Every year of a players career counts for one point.
• Years that include a Playoff appearance add an extra 1/2 point.
• Finals appearances count for a full point.
• Championships count for two added points.
(Because Championships are what they play for, right?)
• The last 30 years have been broken down into 10 year units, with an extra 1/2 point being awarded to Championships won while playing in the more successful Conference.
(The last 20 years belong to the West, the East has a higher Finals win total in one of the 10 year units)
• The official MVP is not, in every instance, TheLongTalks MVP.
(There are only 5 switches and the official MVP is noted in those cases)

An Example:
Player X: 16 Years (YR) | 16 Playoff Years ÷ 2 (PY) | 7 Finals Appearance (FA) | 7 Championships x 2 (WIN) 6 Bonus Points ÷ 2 (BP) Total 48

Finals MVP Success Rates:

Boris Diaw:  YR 12 | PY 7÷2 | FA 2 | WIN 1×2 | BP 1÷2 … Total 20* (Actual MVP Kawhi Leonard)

2 x MVP** LeBron James:  YR 12 | PY 9÷2 | FA 5 | WIN 2×2 | BP 0÷2 … Total 21.5*

Dirk Nowitzki:  YR 17 | PY 13÷2 | FA 2 | WIN 1×2 | BP 1÷2 … Total 28*

2 x MVP** Kobe Bryant:  YR 19 | PY 15÷2 | FA 7 | WIN 5×2 | BP 5÷2 … Total 36*

Paul Pierce:  YR 17 | PY 11÷2 | FA 2 | WIN 1×2 | BP 0÷2 … Total 26.5*

Tony Parker:  YR 14 | PY 13÷2 | FA 5 | WIN 4×2 | BP 4÷2 … Total 35.5*

The NBA’s Referees: They’ve been there since the beginning and this year was there year to shine. (Actual MVP Dwayne Wade)

3 x MVP** Tim Duncan:  YR 18 | PY 17÷2 | FA 6 | WIN 5×2 | BP 4÷2 … Total 44.5*

Rasheed Wallace:  YR 16 | PY 14÷2 | FA 3 | WIN 1×2 | BP 0÷2 … Total 28 (Actual MVP Chauncey Billups)

3 x MVP** Shaq:  YR 19 | PY 17÷2 | FA 6 | WIN 4×2 | BP 3÷2 … Total 43

6 x MVP** Michael Jordan:  YR 15 | PY 13÷2 | FA 6 | WIN 6×2 | BP 3÷2 … Total 41

2 x MVP** Hakeem Olajuwon:  YR 18 | PY 15÷2 | FA 2 | WIN 2×2 | BP 1÷2 … Total 32

2 x MVP** Isiah Thomas:  YR 13 | PY 9÷2 | FA 3 | WIN 2×2 | BP 2÷2 … Total 25.5 (Actual MVP for 1 of the 2 years, Joe Dumars)

2 x MVP** Magic Johnson:  YR 13 | PY 13÷2 | FA 9*** | WIN 5×2 | BP 3÷2 … Total 38 (Actual MVP for 1 of the 2 years, James Worthy)

Larry Bird:  YR 13 | PY 12÷2 | FA 5*** | WIN 3×2 | BP 1÷2 … Total 30.5

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar:  YR 20 | PY 18÷2 | FA 10*** | WIN 6×2 | BP 0÷2 … Total 51!

Final Thoughts:
• It’s pretty impressive that Magic had 9 Finals appearance to go with his 5 Wins
• It takes a little bit of Googling to find out how many Finals Larry Bird lost. Plus, his career stats don’t appear to be listed on ESPN’s website.
• Kareem Abdul-Jabbar does not get enough talk in talks about Greatest Player to Ever Play the Game. His 51 is the highest number by a good margin. That man was a basketball playing machine. TheLongTalk’s theory is that he seems to be a bit of a grump and that’s keeping people from loving his career the way they loved MJ’s and Magics.
• Player X, the example listed at the beginning of this insanely long post, is a real player that never won a Finals MVP… but had some pretty Big Shots. Any guesses on who he might be?
• If you see any problems with TheLongTalk’s math, let TLT know.


*Active Player  ** Within the last 30 years  *** Including Finals appearances outside of the 30 year window


TheLongTalk doesn’t know a lot about the NBA’s D League but TLT does know a little something about crazy ideas that’ll amount to nothing.

So Here Goes Nothing…

The NBA has 30 teams. The D League has 18 and each D team is connected to one NBA team with the exception of the Fort Wayne Mad Ants. The Mad Ants are connected directly to 13 NBA teams.

Step One – Add 12 D League Teams

Now that there’s a D team for every NBA team we move forward with the crazy plan… which is to merge the two leagues into one NBA featuring an A Squad and a B Squad. In year one the NBA’s current teams would comprise the A Squad. The A teams would play 2 games each against all other A teams. That’s 58 games. Sprinkled throughout the season the A’s would also play one game each against the B teams in their conference. That’s 15 more games for a total of 73.

Step Two – Mid-Season Mashup

The first year of the new league would introduce the Mid-Season Mashup. Instead of the NBA’s lame and pointless All-Star Game, the D League teams that make up year one’s B Squad would play an AMAZINGLY AWESOME single elimination tournament for entry into year two’s A Squad. The B Squad teams that took first and second in the tourney would replace the A Squad teams that finished 29th and 30th.

Step Three – Change The Draft

Only B Squad teams would be involved in the First Round of the Draft and the Second Round would be expanded to include all 60 teams. The Lottery would have 30 ping-pong balls total, one for each B Squad team, equaling out the chances of getting a #1 pick and eliminating the strategic value of tanking. For the Second Round of the Draft each team would pick in order, from worst record to best, with ties going to the A Squad teams.

Step Four – Playoff Play-In

At the end of the regular season the 14 A Squad teams with the best records, regardless of conference, would be set into a 16 team bracket with a week off for some R&R. The other 16 A teams would be lumped into a 32 team, single elimination tournament with the 16 best B teams. The first and second place Playoff Play-In teams would become the 15th and 16th seeds in the A Squads Playoffs.

Step Five – Free Agent Free For All

A Squad Free Agency would begin before B Squad dealing. A Squad teams would have the ability to offer more money and longer contracts then B Squad teams. Plus, any player who signed a contract with an A Squad team and then saw his team finish in the bottom two… meaning that his team will become a B Squad team during the next season… would become a Semi-Restricted Free Agent. Semi-Restricted Free Agents are free to sign a contract with any A Squad team they like and in order for their B Squad to keep them, they must match the offer + 5%.

Step Six – Iron Out The Kinks, Then Add C Teams

Once you’ve played in a merged league for a year or two and made the bumps smooth and you’ve got things rolling, then you add a new batch of 30 more teams and form a C Squad. In time, you’ll smooth them into the fold as well and then it’s time to form your D Squad. D is probably as far as the league should go, but once filled out to the D level you attack… full court… the NCAA and run them out of business.

That’s TheLongTalk’s Take

Sam Neil Concept

Sam Neil Concept

            I’ve come up with a concept.  I call it the Sam Neil concept.  It’s simple, let me explain.  The other day I watch a 1997 sci-fi flick for the first time called Event Horizon.  It’s good, not great.  It’s about a spaceship that is trying to use new technology to travel faster than the speed of light.  The ship, the Event Horizon, disappears during these tests and then appears about 7 years later and a crew is sent to investigate the ship.  The movie was a bit more horror than I expected, however it went somewhere I didn’t see coming, which is always nice.  I’m trying not to give an spoilers away, just go watch it, it’s worth it.

But, there was just one problem with the film, I kept looking for the dinosaurs.  Yes, dinosaurs.  Is there any mention of dinosaurs in the film?  No.  Is there even a hint that they’re roaming out in space somewhere on this ship?  Nope.  Should anything make someone think of dinosaurs in regards to the plot, setting, theme, ideas of this film?  Absolutely not.  Then why did I think of dinosaurs?

Because of this guy:

Yes, because Even Horizon has in it Dr. Allan Grant, oh await, I mean Sam Neil.  My guess is that you look at a picture of the drastically underrated Sam Neil the first (and probably only) movie that comes to mind is ________________________.

Yup, Jurassic Park.  Every time I see this guy I think of the island where dinosaurs are given a second chance at life.  I don’t see this guy as an actor, I see him as a paleontologist that is trying to contain the dinosaur outbreak at Jurassic Park.

So this is how the Sam Neil Concept came to mind.  Sam Neil, a talented actor who has been in other good films, instantly gets associated with one role, Dr. Allen Grant from Jurassic Park.

This is the Sam Neil concept; when you see an actor or actress your mind instantly triggers one specific movie they are in and you forever associate that person with only that movie and it seems strange to see them outside the world of whatever movie they have acted in.  I don’t think there is a better example of this in Hollywood than with Sam Neil and Jurassic Park.  Hence, when you see someone and think of them for one role only I declare it be known as the Sam Neil Concept.


Now the question is, what other actors and actresses could you apply the Sam Neil Concept to?